


'You're better than that."

by Cypherr



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I wrote this in less than 10 minutes, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, and today on the author projecting onto MCYTs we have this, only thoughts though, seriously trigger warning for this stuff, this could qualify as a diary entry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27339853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cypherr/pseuds/Cypherr
Summary: Tommy wished they'd just listen-tw: suicidal thoughts, thoughts about self-harm
Comments: 7
Kudos: 235





	'You're better than that."

**Author's Note:**

> lmao I've been going through it so here's this bullshit while I distract myself from the ever pleasing thoughts of death while I have to wait another WEEK to see my therapist  
> I feel like I'm in middle school again lmao CRINGE

"You're better than that." It haunted his every waking hour and echoed through his dreams. He couldn't escape from it. He'd always been told to ask for help- to reach out- when things started to get to be too much to handle, and he _did_ , but as he lies on his bed in his pitch dark room with only the light of his phone screen to accompany him, he thinks that, perhaps, it would've been better- been easier to handle- if he never said anything in the first fucking place. He'd _tried_ to reach out to his parents, to his friends. Tried to say that he was _struggling_. Tried to say that all the words blended together on the page if he could even read them in the first place, that there would be significant chunks of time that would be missing from his memory and no amount of digging would result in anything, and that no matter how fucking hard he'd try to focus, there'd always be _something_ distracting him. Maybe it'd be the relentless ticking of the clock in the hallway, or maybe the sounds of the yard guy working outside, or even his own _fucking mind_. It was like there was a transparent wall between him and everything he did and he couldn't get past it no matter how hard he tried.

"You're better than that." Didn't they see that he was _trying his best_ _?_ He put all his frustrations, all his anger, his desperation, he put it all aside when he streamed. He could finally joke and laugh with his friends, and sure, maybe he was too loud and rambled too much and he wasn't entirely sure how to hold a conversation, and maybe chat said that he moved around and fidgeted too much, but he couldn't _help it_.

"You're better than that." He hadn't been 'better than that' in four fucking _years_. He was falling to pieces and each time he'd try and pick himself up, he'd be hit with that fucking sledgehammer of a sentence again. It was destroying him from the inside out, but he did his best to keep himself alive. Sure, he'd only eat if his parents happened to cook, and he doesn't actually remember the last time he actually showered (although he doesn't remember much nowadays, so it could've been yesterday or a week ago), but he hadn't touched the razor sitting so _tantalizingly_ obvious on his bathroom counter. He hadn't torn it to pieces so he could rip his skin to shreds like he longed to. Hadn't tied the noose, or slit his wrists, or even downed a bottle of pills like he so desperately wanted to- like he thought about every second of every hour, of every long, miserable day. He'd say he was doing pretty good, overall.

"You're better than that." But maybe he didn't want to be anymore. Maybe he didn't _want_ to be Tommy 'Big Man' Innit. Maybe he just wanted a hug and to be told that it'd be alright. Maybe he just wanted a solution to that transparent wall nobody else seemed to think was a problem. Maybe he just wanted everything to fade to black so he could be free of this life. But he was 'better than that', so he didn't.


End file.
